When Your Child Walks Away

Serve and return is an interesting parenting concept. It is how we teach almost anything to our children. We serve information to the child, the child returns it back, and we respond again. It is a process that allows the child to process information, give the new skill a try, and get feedback.

It starts in infancy with coos and smiles that begin a child’s lessons on learning language and human interaction.

It continues through childhood as children are able to engage in conversation. They learn to negotiate, they learn to ask questions, they learn to apply new information and it all centers on that parent . . . child . . parent . . .child  back and forth interaction. We think they are not listening to us, but they are. It is just that learning happens slowly and deliberately and it needs repetition; lots of repetition.

But what about a child, a tweenager, or an adolescent who rebels? What if we have proof they did not listen? What if we have the same conversation over and over again? What if they walk away and refuse to talk? How does serve and return work here?

The beauty of serve and return is that the lessons start early and build one on top of the other. The self-regulation you taught your toddler is still tucked away in your teenager’s brain. The discernment you taught your school-age child is still a part of the confusing tweenager you see before you. Even if you don’t think they are listening, or heeding your words, you still need to keep on serving that communication and love. It does sink in. You will just not always see evidence of the wisdom you have been trying to teach.

It is much like how we are in our relationship with God. He tells us over and over, again that He loves us, that He protects us, that He has our best interests at heart. What we return is not always the trust and reverence God deserves.

Yet, God still keeps on loving us. When your child does not seem to be learning what you are trying to teach – keep on loving – keep on praying – keep on sharing your faith.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one. John 10:27-30

Be a Good Model

Your body might tell you that you are what you eat, but your brain will tell you that you are what you experience.

The baby in this clip is a good example of the brain seeking to model what it experiences. Eventually, assuming the baby does not experience other humans routinely howling, he will stop mimicking dogs in favor of following the actions of family members. His brain creates a temporary “howling” neural connection that is later re-purposed for something more useful.

This clip reminds us as parents to occasionally take time to examine what our children see in us each day that they might be creating neural connections for. What children see and experience is what their brain will prioritize for learning.

Do our children see us making healthy food choices or sneaking snacks?

Do they see us physically active or on our phone?

Do they see us coping with sadness and anger or allowing ourselves to vent?

Do they see us learning from mistakes or hiding them?

Do they see us complaining or working to make things better?

Do they see us including faith in every aspect of our lives, or saving it for Sundays?

We do not need to be perfect parents. Our children learn good things from us when we make mistakes, apologize, and try again. In fact, sometimes the most enduring lesson is learned when a parent makes a mistake and seeks to learn from the mistake. In this action you are teaching resilience.

The best things to model for your children are acts of faith: mercy, forgiveness, worship, the seeking of God’s word, and unconditional love.

Therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve on another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace. I Peter 4: 7b-10a.

Sleep or ADHD

When children begin having problems in school it is easy to suspect ADHD. Children with this disorder have difficulty paying attention, keeping their bodies and emotions under control, and interacting with other children.  But ADHD is not the only thing that causes these struggles.

Many children with self-regulation issues do not have a brain problem – they have a sleep problem. Many children need more sleep than they are getting. Lack of sleep makes you irritable, interferes with social skills, and makes it very difficult to maintain the kind of focused attention that is needed for the amount of learning that happens in each school day. Children can’t drink more coffee and slide through a day tired. If they miss a skill it will show up in later testing or future learning. Not only that, but children who are sleep deprived are less likely to remember what is learned because their brains need time to process information.

School-aged children need 10-11 hours of sleep a night, younger children need even more. But even beyond that, other activities can wear down the brain making it harder to get control of focus, body, and emotions. 

Here are recommendations for helping your child to be a better learner. If  your child’s teacher has concerns  about focusing ability, try these suggestions before seeking an ADHD diagnosis. If your child already has an ADHD diagnosis the following will help support other therapies. Do stop medications without the guidance of a medical professional.

• Do your best to see to it that your child gets the recommended amount of sleep. If you are not even close at this point, then make a plan to improve things. 

• Reduce screen time, especially up to an hour before bedtime. This will help the brain to calm down. 

• Encourage more time spent outside during the day. This will help to improve sleep at night.

• Develop a bedtime routine that allows for comfort, calming down, conversation, and prayer.  This will tuck away the day and prepare the brain to process information learned.