Facing the Next Wave of Covid Family Life

 

When Covid hit, and children came home for remote learning, we all found our inner hero and rose to the occasion.  We looked for the good in the situation, joked about working in pajamas, and turned a room in our house into a family work center. Psychologist Ann Masten says we went to our surge capacity to survive a new crisis.  A surge capacity is a collection of skills (emotional, mental, and physical) that come over us in a wavelike sweep allowing us to cope. Our surge capacity helps us use our inner resilience. In this state, we get creative about problem-solving; we activate our ability to find gratitude and the strength to ignore difficulty. God gave us this capacity to get us through a difficult time.

Our challenge now is that the difficult time has become a chronic situation. Add to that the summer is over, and we have new burdens. We have depleted our surge capacity, and the road ahead looks daunting.

We are tired. We are tired of adjusting, tired of creative problem-solving, tired of new covid news – even good news. When we feel depleted, this adds a whole new level of anxiety to our thinking. We ask ourselves, "How are we going to manage?" and for the first time, we have no idea.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

After the reminder of God's grace, I note in this verse that I am not the only one to feel depleted. The psalm writer gets what we are going through, and God tells us He has a plan to address our needs. I urge you to read the entire psalm and notice how the emotions gravitate from one extreme to the other: crying to gratitude, hunger to blessing, affliction to delivery, and peace. Covid might be a new virus, but what we are going through is not new.

What are the tools God gives us to repair our crushed spirit? How do we replenish our surge capacity?

Forgive: Admit that you are not a superhero and accept God's forgiveness for your mistakes. Teach your family to be easier in forgiving each other. Challenging times demand we develop our grace muscles.

Grieve: As a family, list the activities and routines you miss. Write or draw about the things you discuss and put them in a box with the assurance that you will retrieve them. Save the box as a covid time capsule and remind yourselves the box will be opened some day.

Breathe: While taking time to practice deep breathing will help replenish our surge capacity, it is equally healthy to do to your breathing outside in the sunshine. Playing outside will reinforce the idea that there are still good things to be experienced. When we are outside, we relieve anxiety and revitalize the parts of our brain that help us to focus.

Create: At this point, it is hard to imagine we will ever forget this year, but so much of what we are learning will be lost as we work to survive. Take time to document your family's life in photos, stories, songs, and favorite survival Bible verses. This activity will replenish your surge capacity for the short term and provide you with memories to give you courage in the long term.

Help: Look for ways to help others because, in addition to the apparent benefit, it also restores a sense of control and reduces anxiety. Helping others is an excellent coping strategy to teach your children.

Study: It is always a challenge to find time to study God's word as a family. I recommend diving into the Psalms. Highlight a verse or two and talk about how it applies to your family.

Oddly, the best thing you and your family can say is, "We can't take it anymore!"

At this point, the point of giving up control is when we can trust in our loving Father.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

 

Weary Joy: The Caregiver's Journey

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Family Faith Sharing Activity: Puzzles

Tangrams are fun puzzles for the family. Some are easy, some are challenging, and sometimes the youngest member of the family does the best work because he or she can think outside the square box. Practicing these puzzles not only creates family time, but it supports mathematical thinking, as well.

Puzzles are more manageable when we know the final result. Tangrams can remind us that God is bigger than the puzzles in our world. God understands the coronavirus and mask-wearing and what is safe. God also knows when this chapter in our lives will end. He is the maker of the puzzle, and He loves and protects us.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. I Peter 5:7

This verse is from the readings for this Sunday and is a favorite verse for many. It is a blessing to be able to give our worries, frustrations, and confusion over to Jesus and to rest, knowing that He cares for us in ways we cannot imagine. 

Working with your children on any puzzle – or at any other activity – allows you to remind them of God’s love and protection. Whether it is anger, fear, worry, joy, or surprise, we feel the emotions God gives us. Throughout it all, it is best to trust and thank Him.

Be Available

Technology has changed our world. It may be for the better; it may be for the worse. It is more likely a combination of both. My concern is that technology has also changed the parent/child relationship.

Even a minor change in how parents and children interact will have major, long-reaching consequences. 

CHILDREN NEED US TO BE AVAILABLE

Infants need to learn language very quickly and to do this they need many tiny interactions every day. A coo needs a response from a family member. A cry needs some form of attention. Pointing to an object requires a meeting of the minds. Babies need to have interaction many times a day in order to practice and form theories about communication.

DON’T LET A PHONE GET IN THE WAY OF THESE TINY INTERACTIONS

Older children are learning about emotions, how to understand them and how to use them. They need many interactions with parents, siblings, and peers each day so they can learn this skill little bit by little bit. Children who spend too much time in front of a screen will not develop empathy and will struggle with the kind of thinking skills they need for learning. They may also struggle with peer relationships and with anxiety.

DON’T LET A SCREEN KEEP YOUR CHILD FROM DEVELOPING STRONG SKILLS

Even adolescents need interaction with parents and peers. They are learning about themselves in a new way and learning about important values that will guide their lives and decision processes. Adolescents who spend time with a screen instead of time with family and peers are at much higher risk of depression, suicide, and thoughts of suicide.

DON’T LET A SCREEN PUT YOUR CHILD IN DANGER

• Set personal rules about "phone-in-pocket" when your children are present.

• Set family rules that limit screen time and promote family talking times (car, dinner table, times of waiting, etc.)

• And have those important conversations with your teens about putting face to face relationships before screen time. 

WHEN IN DOUBT; PUT THE SCREEN DOWN

There is always time to learn about technology. NOW is the time to be a family!

High Diving Board Syndrome

As I was completing my morning walk I came across a couple of elementary age boys with their bikes having an intense discussion with their Grandma. It seems they were being encouraged to ride their bikes to school, but they were a bit nervous to attempt this task. 

Riding from Grandma’s house they were merely a block from school in a safe neighborhood with many parents walking with their children. Grandma was getting ready to follow along in her car.

The boys looked to be about 6 and 8 years old. Why would they be so afraid to ride their bike one block to school? 

I don’t know their particular situation, but I do know that anxiety in children has increasingly become a factor in schools. Children refuse to come to school, older children suffer separation anxiety previously only seen in young children, teachers must teach calming techniques, and classrooms are outfitted with “calming corners” for children who are feeling stressed. This also makes me wonder how many more children are being medicated for anxiety at earlier ages.

First of all, I would like to say that this post is NOT for parents of children who are experiencing panic attacks. Children with intense anxiety issues will benefit from expert care that is far above my level of expertise. Furthermore, I do not wish to put guilt on parents that they are causing anxiety in children. But given the increase in anxiety, this is something we want to address.

When I taught kindergarten, it was not unusual for my class to include a child or two who was anxious at the kindergarten door. I learned to reassure parents that their child suffered from what I lovingly called “High Diving Board Syndrome.” I pointed out that a child climbing a ladder rarely thinks of the height of that ladder until he or she stands at the end of the diving board; then the panic sets in. Likewise, once the swimmer has made the jump, the anxiety is transformed into pure thrill. This is simply a description of initial anxiety. This kind of anxiety comes from the body pumping adrenaline in anticipation. For a brief moment, there is more adrenaline than what is being used. For most children we can talk them through it by pointing out they are safe, and by reminding them of how good it will feel to tackle this challenge.

Our children engage in quite a bit of passive entertainment. They have television, streamed movies on computer, and an infinite number of games on phones. The downside of too much of this activity is that children become comfortable with the peaceful feeling of passive entertainment. They rarely have to deal with initial anxiety. Then when they feel anxious about trying something new, they might pull back instead of learning that initial anxiety is temporary and is what makes us mentally sharp. 

Here are some things to remember when children are reluctant to try something that you are confident they are able to do:

1.     Name the anxiety for what it is. It is a state of alertness that God gives us when we try something new that helps us to pay better attention. It will go away once your child engages in the activity and uses the adrenaline that is pumping away.

2.     Empathize, but do not sympathize, with your child. Recognize the anxiety and help your child to focus on the feeling of accomplishment that will occur later.

3.     Remember that children develop self-confidence by accomplishing something difficult – even if mistakes and failures are involved.

4.     Do not emphasis performance. Instead remind them of accomplishment.

5.     At the dinner table, share stories of times when you were anxious about trying something new as a child. Let your child see how things worked out.

6.     Reduce the amount of time your child spends in passive entertainment and increase the amount of time spent in unstructured play outside with other children.  This kind of play involves many instances of small risks that children safely overcome and can build confidence.

In your family devotions, you can lift up your child’s anxieties to God in prayer. We do not have to tell children to ignore their anxiety. As Christian parents we can remind them that they are loved and cared for by parents and their Heavenly Father.

And by all means, seek help for children suffering from anxiety that has adversely impacted their lives. God has blessed us with many experts that help us to raise happy, healthy children.

The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

Children: Anxiety

While some children are more inclined to worry than others, almost all children experience anxiety at one time or another. 

Anxiety can be a good thing. It can make us pay closer attention to what is going on, it can help us to be better prepared, and the right amount of anxiety is necessary for best performance.

However, anxiety becomes a problem when it keeps a child from enjoying everyday things, or when it is hiding a problem that needs to be addressed.

When children indicate that they do not want to do something they are communicating what for them is a real concern. It is important to know what is behind the words of worry:

Is the child not ready for the activity? Some children want to watch before they try and others just need more time before launching into something new.

Does the child need some reassurance? If you feel your child is ready for the activity, then confidently assure him that things will be okay and that you (or the teacher, or other trusted adult) will be available to help. A child’s confidence about trying new things can be greatly improved when he or she successfully accomplish something that caused worry.

Is there something else going on? If a child suddenly is anxious about a previously enjoyed activity then a good conversation is in order. Your child might not realize that an incident with another child, some confusion with an adult, or a startling event, is the real cause for worry. Children cannot always process this information. On occasion their brains will simply cause them to fear the entire situation. 

Is your child defiantly refusing to obey? It is easy to assume that defiance is about disobedience rather than anxiety. We assume that anxiety will show itself in timid behaviors. Some children show their anxiety in defiance. It is good to explore this possibility, especially if the behavior is unusual for your child or if typical consequences aren’t working to change the behavior. 

Is your child tired? Being physically tired or mentally overstimulated will cause many children to become anxious. For them, it is the best way to give the message that they have had enough. 

Helping children to identify and cope with stress is a great way to build resilience. Children need ways to calm themselves, to know when and how to seek help, and to learn to use anxiety to their advantage. Such children will be good problem solvers and will face difficulty with confidence.

One of the reasons that faith development also promotes resilience is that  our faith reminds us that God is in control of our lives, our situation, and our anxiety. A gentle reminder of God’s promise of love and care is a beautiful way to share your faith with your children when helping them with anxiety.

It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8