The Grace Sandwich

We may think parenting is about the right answer or the correct response to each situation. In a real world, the correct response is not easy to determine. Research shows us that good parenting is really about balance. We want high expectations for our children because we know this builds confidence. We also want to show our children high levels of responsiveness, so they know they are not alone in the world.

One of the best ways I have found to do this is to use the grace sandwich in discipline or correction situations. The grace sandwich allows you to address the behavior in a spirit of gentleness.

The first piece of bread in the sandwich is grace. Before you apply correction, remind your child you are doing this out of love. Believe it or not, this is an easy thing for a child to forget and that reminder puts the child in a different, less defensive mood.

Next apply the meat of the sandwich which is the correction and appropriate discipline.

Finally, don’t forget the last piece of grace bread. Finish the discipline session with forgiveness and a reminder that God sends His Spirit to help us learn and grow. 

When you wrap your correction in love you are teaching your child a vital faith lesson:

For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5: 14

Integrating the Faith: Mercy

I love this clip of a basketball team showing kindness to another team because it teaches an important lesson about mercy. A private school team regularly played against a team from a detention center. The detention center team never had people to cheer them on so some members of the team convinced half the crowd to cheer for the opposing team. It was a memorable event for all involved.

Parenting is all about training children to be kind, productive, and successful. It is easy to concentrate on behavior and the application of reward and punishment. We naturally want to discourage poor behaviors and encourage positive ones.

Yet, that is only half the picture. It is easy to argue that the team from the detention center did not deserve to be cheered – they have each been convicted of a felony offense! But, did you notice the effect the fan support had on the team members? It was memorable and touching. 

As children of God we receive mercy from our Heavenly Father. We are poor miserable sinners and do not deserve any of the blessings in our lives. God shows us mercy in that He sent His Son to die for us in spite of, and because of, our sin.

God loves us anyway.

Make sure your children know they are loved – especially when they have sinned. 

Mercy and forgiveness are the other half of the loving discipline equation.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:4-8

Parenting:Efforful Control - Stop Must Think

Stop

Must

When I was teaching, I often used sign language with the children. It caught their attention and made my words visual. "Stop-must" was a great sign to use if a child across the room, or across the playground, needed to hear a quick and insistent "no!"

There are times when we parent were a quick "stop-must" is the best way to handle things. However, if this is the only way we teach our children how to behave, we are not doing a very thorough job.

Think

 Research tells us that discipline works best when it encourages children to stop and think. This tells the brain that the learning is important, and it helps to develop effortful control which is the ability to control behavior, emotions and attention. Effortful control is important to learning, building friendships and developing a conscience.

The next time you are dealing with a discipline situation try one of these questions:

1. Are you safe?
2. Are you learning something good?
3. Are you being kind?
4. How would you feel if someone did that to you?
5. What could you do differently?   

Taking time to teach these questions and to discuss things with your child will help to make your discipline more effective. Cognition + consequences will encourage good behavior.  

You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 

(Deuteronomy 6:7, ESV)