Trust and Waiting

This NPR article talks about a new version of the famous marshmallow test. In the original study researchers were looking for children to show delayed gratification by being able to wait patiently for a second treat while not eating the first treat that is within reach.

Today’s children do not do very well on this test with fewer than half of them able to resist the temptation of the treat in front of them. For those who are able to wait, the skill of patient waiting leads to better academics and success in life and school. The ability to delay gratification – or put off a small reward in favor of a larger one later – is a desired skill, indeed.

The NPR article talks about the difference between kids in the U.S. and Germany when compared to the children of rural Cameroon. Apparently, waiting patiently is a super skill for these children and it is most likely linked to parenting style.

While we can’t move to Cameroon in order to raise patient children we can make some changes in our own parenting to encourage this same effect. Here are three differences that can be addressed:

Nurture a positive attitude: In situations that require waiting you can empathize and redirect by helping your child to find the silver lining:

“It’s no fun to wait in line, but won’t these groceries taste good when we get them home?”

Now, don’t follow this up with a bribe, or coaxing. Just let your child know that waiting is a part of life.

Parents know best: Children learn to trust parents who are able to tell them what the best course of action is. Bargaining, bribing, and arguing are all things that might work in the short run, but leave a child wondering who is in charge. That just creates anxiety which in turn encourages more argument. The child thinks, "If my parent isn't in charge I guess I need to be."

Be predictable: Children look for patterns in behavior and are happiest when they can predict what a parent will do – even if that action is not favorable. If an activity is not healthy, affordable, or timely, then don’t give in to pleading. 

The bottom line:  your children want to trust the person who is in charge. This helps them to feel safe and learn. They are too young to lean on their own understanding!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3: 5

Parenting Technology

Technology has many benefits but it has its downside, too.  Our children do not know a world without apps and screens. Yet, their brains need other stimulation in order to improve their ability to learn. Playing a learning game on a tablet computer may teach a few skills. Whereas playing outside, building a fort, negotiation a game, or reading a book, will train the brain to be a better learning machine.

Child experts recommend parents limit screen time. However, child experts are not in our homes with us arguing with our children about why this is good for them.  Instead of stopping children when they have reached the end of their allotted time – require them to do other things first and then allow them all the time they want to play video games.

For example:

• 30 minutes of reading 
• 30 minutes of  house cleaning or yardwork 
• 30 minutes of practice (music, sports, drawing, building, writing) 
• 60 minutes of out-of-your-seat, and out-of-your-house play

(Be sure to adjust the list to accommodate different ages or different preferences in your family.)

There are several reasons why this system has a good chance of success. 

If/then  If /then plans are a form of negotiation. Such plans tell your child that you understand what they want and make it clear what you want. Allowing your children to renegotiate can be a good thing. Just stand firm on the amount of time and the issues you consider to be most important.

Delayed gratification  This is learning how to put off something you want to do while completing something you did not choose to do. As it turns out this skill influences both academic learning and life success. It teaches children how to focus and plan while learning to wait for a reward.

Self-entertainment When children spend less time complaining about not having anything to do they spend more time doing one of the activities assigned and suggested.  Now they are more likely to get hooked on a creative activity or a healthier activity such as outdoor play. Now we have a better chance of reducing their screen time.

When we parent we are rarely teaching one thing at a time. We teach in layers. Think about how you can add in faith teaching to this model with Bible study time, family devotions, Bible picture books, or perhaps journaling. Let your children know what is important by showing them what to put first in their daily schedule.

You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart ad with all your soul and with all your might.  Deuteronomy 6:5