Friday, January 22, 2021

From Enemy to Empathy

 

I taught for many years in a Lutheran elementary school, and one of the challenges was inappropriate language. We wanted children to learn more effective ways of communicating anger or frustration, but once a child picked up a four-letter-friend, it was hard to make a change. Parents would sometimes complain that their child brought the word home, but some soul searching often would reveal the opposite was true.

 

Why do children learn so quickly the vocabulary we don’t want them to remember? The reason probably has to do with the emotions behind the word. Children pay close attention to what we do when we are angry, hurt, surprised, or afraid. This intense observation is because children are working to regulate these strong emotions. Their brains are wired to memorize and practice these reactions to learn how to use emotions successfully.

 

This learning method works well when we have the restraint to respond to strong emotions by bringing them down a step. For instance, instead of reacting in anger to an event, we express frustration. When we do this, we teach our children to learn more subtle emotional responses. We are teaching emotional literacy. These literacy skills help a child use emotions for learning, analyzing, communicating, and socially interacting. Learning emotional literacy also keeps a child from being used by their feelings. When children bounce around from anger to fear, they do not work and play well with others. Those who cannot regulate strong emotions are more likely to be victims of misinformation. A strong emotional reaction prevents us from logically analyzing information or its source. For children, strong emotions prevent them from resolving conflict in positive ways.

 

When children see a strong emotional reaction, it may leave them puzzled. Copying and practicing this behavior is one way for a child to learn to understand it. That is how things travel from home to the school playground.

 

In this highly divisive political climate, it is good for us to remember this tendency for children to pay attention to how we express strong emotions. The issues are important, and if our children are old enough to understand, we should discuss these things with them. However, our reactions do not escape the notice of even our younger children, and if they do not understand the situation, they are likely to misunderstand the emotional response.

 

Here are some simple suggestions for navigating the current political climate:

 

Bring it down a notch. Take a deep breath before reacting to what you read or hear. Remind yourself that God reigns over what happens in the world. Your children will see this and learn that when we think best when we are calm.

 

Say “no” to name-calling and assumptions. When children argue, they often resort to calling each other names or using phrases like “you just want to . . . “ This clouds the argument and makes reconciliation very difficult. In any dispute or conflict, we need to treat the opposing side as human beings loved by God.

 

Fight the “enemy.” By this, I mean we should fight the idea of an enemy. Just as children are fascinated by monsters, dragons, and dinosaurs, creating an enemy makes sense to them. This tendency to create enemies harms their interaction with peers. When children begin to understand a big concept like “enemy,” they overuse it, and suddenly their friend becomes their enemy. At this point, conflict digs in its heels.

 

Even if children do not understand conservative vs. liberal, they are still watching and learning from how we react. In this time of their development, they need to practice empathy and regulation. When we practice empathy we are not agreeing to the opposite political view, but we are recognizing each other's humanity, frailty, and value. Teach this to your children!

 

Look at this scriptural lesson on conflict resolution:

 

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. Matthew 18:15

 

This process requires calm emotions and empathy, and the result is brotherhood. We may not reach an agreement on political matters, but we should never lose sight of brotherhood. This lesson is a powerful one to teach our children, and we do that best by modeling it for them.

Monday, December 14, 2020

The Walk of Trust

 


2020 is nearly over, and many of us look to the next year for a fresh start and an end to current struggles. When we look at the facts about COVID and the time-table for the vaccination program, we realize that in this case, hope is little more than a symbol. 2020 may have brought the struggles, but 2021 will not allow us to leave them behind.

How do we muster up the trust to get through what lies ahead? How can we teach our children to trust when we are spent, and tired, and worried? How do we cling to the sure hope of the resurrection when the trials and tribulations of everyday life crowd into our hearts?

Contrary to the secular notion of trust, the trust of faith is not a partnership. It is not a give and take between God and us. It is not true that if we trust, He will provide, but if we let our level of trust slip, His strength will fade away. Trust does not depend on us; it comes from God.

Trust is not a partnership; it is a surrender.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

Look at the about-face in this verse. First, we are told to trust in God completely. Then we are told to lean not on our own efforts. This is surrender. Allowing our hearts to fill with faith does not leave room for our participation. We cannot do, or know, or be something that will make trust more effective.

So, how do we teach this to our children? We surrender by walking the walk. We let our children see our God-given trust even when we do not quite feel it. We do not have to understand. We simply obey.

These verses from Colossians are bringing me comfort today. Look for one particular repeated word.

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3: 15-17

Be thankful – with thankfulness – giving thanks. And scattered in-between, we find other ways to walk the walk – teaching, singing, loving. 

Trust always comes from God. We cannot manufacture it with our strength or in routines. However, when we walk the walk, when we do the things that remind us of God's power, His plan, His love, then we can surrender to His trust.

Consider some of the following ways to walk in trust:

Thank

Thankfulness reminds us why we can trust because it points our brains in a positive direction showing us what is good in the midst of what frustrates us. Find ways to make lists of the blessings in your lives – big and small. It is okay to connect these blessings to the recognition of struggles. We do not need to ignore negative emotions to be thankful. Pairing the good with the bad is a reminder of how God is always with us.

Pray

Prayer is a perfect way to connect thankfulness to confessions of frustration. Make a point of creating family time for prayer, praying together as a group, or praying with your children one-by-one. Does it help to put your prayer in writing or does it work better to pray from the heart? Could you turn your discussion into a prayer? Or perhaps create a two-column list of items that inspire thanks and those that represent needs.Prayer is not about perfect words - it is about connection.

Walk

Walking in nature is a great way to be thankful and quietly present with God. Discussion is good, but so is a quiet time for prayer. As you walk, breathe out the frustrations and concerns and breathe in trust.

Serve

Thankfulness, trust, and service to others seem to be closely connected in our brains. When we serve others, we remember how God cares for us. Look to your neighbors to find a small act of service. Is there a local charity that would benefit from volunteer work? Can technology help you to connect to someone who is lonely? An anonymous act of "paying it forward" can fill the heart with delight.

Play

What brings joy to your family? Find some simple activities that create good memories of this time. Reading together, playing board games, physical activities, baking, or creating something through music or art are worthy possibilities for finding family joy.

God's trust is with us and is as strong as His promise. When we work to clear our crowded minds of our own understanding, we free ourselves to feel the trust He gives us. Teaching your children to do this will be a blessing that will work in their favor long past 2020. 

May you feel God's trust and find His peace.

Tuesday, September 1, 2020

Facing the Next Wave of Covid Family Life

 

When Covid hit, and children came home for remote learning, we all found our inner hero and rose to the occasion.  We looked for the good in the situation, joked about working in pajamas, and turned a room in our house into a family work center. Psychologist Ann Masten says we went to our surge capacity to survive a new crisis.  A surge capacity is a collection of skills (emotional, mental, and physical) that come over us in a wavelike sweep allowing us to cope. Our surge capacity helps us use our inner resilience. In this state, we get creative about problem-solving; we activate our ability to find gratitude and the strength to ignore difficulty. God gave us this capacity to get us through a difficult time.

Our challenge now is that the difficult time has become a chronic situation. Add to that the summer is over, and we have new burdens. We have depleted our surge capacity, and the road ahead looks daunting.

We are tired. We are tired of adjusting, tired of creative problem-solving, tired of new covid news – even good news. When we feel depleted, this adds a whole new level of anxiety to our thinking. We ask ourselves, "How are we going to manage?" and for the first time, we have no idea.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

After the reminder of God's grace, I note in this verse that I am not the only one to feel depleted. The psalm writer gets what we are going through, and God tells us He has a plan to address our needs. I urge you to read the entire psalm and notice how the emotions gravitate from one extreme to the other: crying to gratitude, hunger to blessing, affliction to delivery, and peace. Covid might be a new virus, but what we are going through is not new.

What are the tools God gives us to repair our crushed spirit? How do we replenish our surge capacity?

Forgive: Admit that you are not a superhero and accept God's forgiveness for your mistakes. Teach your family to be easier in forgiving each other. Challenging times demand we develop our grace muscles.

Grieve: As a family, list the activities and routines you miss. Write or draw about the things you discuss and put them in a box with the assurance that you will retrieve them. Save the box as a covid time capsule and remind yourselves the box will be opened some day.

Breathe: While taking time to practice deep breathing will help replenish our surge capacity, it is equally healthy to do to your breathing outside in the sunshine. Playing outside will reinforce the idea that there are still good things to be experienced. When we are outside, we relieve anxiety and revitalize the parts of our brain that help us to focus.

Create: At this point, it is hard to imagine we will ever forget this year, but so much of what we are learning will be lost as we work to survive. Take time to document your family's life in photos, stories, songs, and favorite survival Bible verses. This activity will replenish your surge capacity for the short term and provide you with memories to give you courage in the long term.

Help: Look for ways to help others because, in addition to the apparent benefit, it also restores a sense of control and reduces anxiety. Helping others is an excellent coping strategy to teach your children.

Study: It is always a challenge to find time to study God's word as a family. I recommend diving into the Psalms. Highlight a verse or two and talk about how it applies to your family.

Oddly, the best thing you and your family can say is, "We can't take it anymore!"

At this point, the point of giving up control is when we can trust in our loving Father.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

 


Weary Joy: The Caregiver's Journey

Concordia Publishing House

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Wednesday, August 19, 2020

Pandemic Peace for Families

 

Who knew 2020 was going to expect so much from families? We’ve had school at home, online church, sports cancellations, staycations, and now challenging choices regarding returning to school. While we find a ray of sunshine in the realization that the current pandemic does not seem to be hard on children in terms of health, at the same time, we realize that the emotional health of families has taken a beating. Many of the things that help us to weather stressful times have been shut down or made more complicated.

 

Situations such as these are where resilience is forged. When our children experience little to no struggle, they have little opportunity to develop coping skills. This is the time to learn confidence in the ability to conquer disappointment and obstacles. However, when a family is weary of restrictions, guidelines, and stressful decisions, it is discouraging to add the already long lists of tasks the one of building resilience.

 

Coping with stress and building resilience are two things we cannot teach our children outside of a situation where they are needed. The brain learns these skills when the times call for them. This current time calls quite loudly for the need for resilience.

 

It would be great if I could write a post outlining the ten best ways to build resilience. If this list existed, and it was true, then our work as parents would be easy. However, we can’t merely teach resilience. Instead, we nurture it through family time and family values.

 

In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength. Isaiah 30: 15

 

The times we live in now require strength and trust, but they also urge us to try to take control. As we work through decisions, we feel our sense of peace diminish. We do not find peace in our strength. We find it in faith and family fellowship. By repenting our need to solve the world’s problems and returning to the trust God gives us, we begin to create an environment that not only offers peace but builds resilience.

 

A family that nurtures peace and resilience will:

 

Focus on what God asks us to do rather than on what the situation demands. The pandemic is in God’s hands. Through science and expertise, God has given us things we can do. Once we have instituted these practices, we leave the rest to God. In doing this, we change our parenting goal from the need to make every decision right and instead put our trust in God. If we ignore the clutter screaming at us from social media, we can better discern God’s plan.

 

Be diligent about worship. Whether online or in-person, attending church feels different, but it is still God’s word. It still feeds our faith and invites us to trust. Your best tool to nurture resilience is to also look for faith discussion opportunities at home. Daily devotions and nightly prayers are wonderful, but so are car ride talks and Gospel reassurances at times of struggle or discipline. During this challenging time, your faith dialogues will connect the concepts of faith and struggle as part of brain development. The discussion you have about trusting God, now, will become a coping strategy for future troubles.

 

Look for ways to come together as a family. Busyness and stress tend to pull us away from each other. We mistakenly believe that when we need rest, it means we need time away. However, we build resilience in fellowship. When family members are together, relationships grow. These experiences and relationships are how children learn to cope with stress and trouble. Look for ways your family can play together. Everything from board games to backyard dodgeball will provide small problems solved by togetherness as well as good memories. Little by little, children learn that God has given us each other as a source of help, comfort, and joy. Projects completed together will afford the same practice and add in the sense of accomplishment.

 

Value family discussion. Children learn so much when they listen to and participate in a family discussion. This is why research on family mealtime shows a link to academic achievement. Children develop language skills as well as learn the unspoken rules about communication and relationship building. Ask your children to share their joys and concerns. Share with them your strengths and weaknesses and create a safe place to talk and grow. These times are excellent opportunities to slip in your faith, showing your children how your faith shapes your understanding and your ability to cope.

 

We do not need to be perfect decision-makers to find peace. In fact, that is the least likely path to take you to peace. Find ways to rejoice with your family – in activity and in prayer. God’s peace will reign, and He will bring about good for your children.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 4-7

 

 

Weary Joy: The Caregiver's Journey

By Kim Marxhausen

Concordia Publishing House

Amazon

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