Parenting with Law and Grace

Here is the second podcast in a series called Cultivating Resilient Families. In this podcast, Pastor Will Miller and I explore the topic of best practices in parenting. We discuss how there is no one right way to raise a child because our children teach us what they need. We also discuss the importance of law (expectations) and grace (responsiveness) in our everyday dealings with our children.

The Grace Sandwich

We may think parenting is about the right answer or the correct response to each situation. In a real world, the correct response is not easy to determine. Research shows us that good parenting is really about balance. We want high expectations for our children because we know this builds confidence. We also want to show our children high levels of responsiveness, so they know they are not alone in the world.

One of the best ways I have found to do this is to use the grace sandwich in discipline or correction situations. The grace sandwich allows you to address the behavior in a spirit of gentleness.

The first piece of bread in the sandwich is grace. Before you apply correction, remind your child you are doing this out of love. Believe it or not, this is an easy thing for a child to forget and that reminder puts the child in a different, less defensive mood.

Next apply the meat of the sandwich which is the correction and appropriate discipline.

Finally, don’t forget the last piece of grace bread. Finish the discipline session with forgiveness and a reminder that God sends His Spirit to help us learn and grow. 

When you wrap your correction in love you are teaching your child a vital faith lesson:

For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5: 14

Response for Growth

Some days it seems like the only job of a parent is to say “no, don’t, or you need to listen.” We are charged with keeping our children safe and teaching them how to be happy healthy members of their communities, yet it seems that children of any age find more ways to travel the wrong path than the right one.

None of us wants to be a drill sergeant barking at our children all day, but if we do nothing but wait to praise the right behavior we are not likely to succeed in keeping our children safe. Not only that, but nothing-but-praise won’t work any better than nothing-but-nagging. And while I know there are experts who have devised ratios of words of praise for each correction, a mixture of the two is also insufficient.

The problem is that nagging and praise are two branches of the same tree. They are both law because they let your child know how they have measured up to your standards. 

Children need more than law; they need grace, too.

Grace is what we do for our children simply because we loved them. We can’t show the same Grace that our Heavenly Father expresses, but grace needs to be part of our discipline equation.

This chart gives great examples of connecting words that provide a blend of law and grace. These comments not only show a child what is expected, or what behavior needs to be changed, they also express love in a way that encourages children to think about the behavior and to learn why it happens. Most importantly these connecting words remind children that their parents stand ready to help them make a change.

We can’t always use connecting words. Some situations simply call for a loud, quick “NO!” However, whenever  we can use these phrases we will give our children so much more than a simple direction.

The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. Psalm 103: 8