The Walk of Trust

 

2020 is nearly over, and many of us look to the next year for a fresh start and an end to current struggles. When we look at the facts about COVID and the time-table for the vaccination program, we realize that in this case, hope is little more than a symbol. 2020 may have brought the struggles, but 2021 will not allow us to leave them behind.

How do we muster up the trust to get through what lies ahead? How can we teach our children to trust when we are spent, and tired, and worried? How do we cling to the sure hope of the resurrection when the trials and tribulations of everyday life crowd into our hearts?

Contrary to the secular notion of trust, the trust of faith is not a partnership. It is not a give and take between God and us. It is not true that if we trust, He will provide, but if we let our level of trust slip, His strength will fade away. Trust does not depend on us; it comes from God.

Trust is not a partnership; it is a surrender.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

Look at the about-face in this verse. First, we are told to trust in God completely. Then we are told to lean not on our own efforts. This is surrender. Allowing our hearts to fill with faith does not leave room for our participation. We cannot do, or know, or be something that will make trust more effective.

So, how do we teach this to our children? We surrender by walking the walk. We let our children see our God-given trust even when we do not quite feel it. We do not have to understand. We simply obey.

These verses from Colossians are bringing me comfort today. Look for one particular repeated word.

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3: 15-17

Be thankful – with thankfulness – giving thanks. And scattered in-between, we find other ways to walk the walk – teaching, singing, loving. 

Trust always comes from God. We cannot manufacture it with our strength or in routines. However, when we walk the walk, when we do the things that remind us of God's power, His plan, His love, then we can surrender to His trust.

Consider some of the following ways to walk in trust:

Thank

Thankfulness reminds us why we can trust because it points our brains in a positive direction showing us what is good in the midst of what frustrates us. Find ways to make lists of the blessings in your lives – big and small. It is okay to connect these blessings to the recognition of struggles. We do not need to ignore negative emotions to be thankful. Pairing the good with the bad is a reminder of how God is always with us.

Pray

Prayer is a perfect way to connect thankfulness to confessions of frustration. Make a point of creating family time for prayer, praying together as a group, or praying with your children one-by-one. Does it help to put your prayer in writing or does it work better to pray from the heart? Could you turn your discussion into a prayer? Or perhaps create a two-column list of items that inspire thanks and those that represent needs.Prayer is not about perfect words - it is about connection.

Walk

Walking in nature is a great way to be thankful and quietly present with God. Discussion is good, but so is a quiet time for prayer. As you walk, breathe out the frustrations and concerns and breathe in trust.

Serve

Thankfulness, trust, and service to others seem to be closely connected in our brains. When we serve others, we remember how God cares for us. Look to your neighbors to find a small act of service. Is there a local charity that would benefit from volunteer work? Can technology help you to connect to someone who is lonely? An anonymous act of "paying it forward" can fill the heart with delight.

Play

What brings joy to your family? Find some simple activities that create good memories of this time. Reading together, playing board games, physical activities, baking, or creating something through music or art are worthy possibilities for finding family joy.

God's trust is with us and is as strong as His promise. When we work to clear our crowded minds of our own understanding, we free ourselves to feel the trust He gives us. Teaching your children to do this will be a blessing that will work in their favor long past 2020. 

May you feel God's trust and find His peace.

Trust and Waiting

This NPR article talks about a new version of the famous marshmallow test. In the original study researchers were looking for children to show delayed gratification by being able to wait patiently for a second treat while not eating the first treat that is within reach.

Today’s children do not do very well on this test with fewer than half of them able to resist the temptation of the treat in front of them. For those who are able to wait, the skill of patient waiting leads to better academics and success in life and school. The ability to delay gratification – or put off a small reward in favor of a larger one later – is a desired skill, indeed.

The NPR article talks about the difference between kids in the U.S. and Germany when compared to the children of rural Cameroon. Apparently, waiting patiently is a super skill for these children and it is most likely linked to parenting style.

While we can’t move to Cameroon in order to raise patient children we can make some changes in our own parenting to encourage this same effect. Here are three differences that can be addressed:

Nurture a positive attitude: In situations that require waiting you can empathize and redirect by helping your child to find the silver lining:

“It’s no fun to wait in line, but won’t these groceries taste good when we get them home?”

Now, don’t follow this up with a bribe, or coaxing. Just let your child know that waiting is a part of life.

Parents know best: Children learn to trust parents who are able to tell them what the best course of action is. Bargaining, bribing, and arguing are all things that might work in the short run, but leave a child wondering who is in charge. That just creates anxiety which in turn encourages more argument. The child thinks, "If my parent isn't in charge I guess I need to be."

Be predictable: Children look for patterns in behavior and are happiest when they can predict what a parent will do – even if that action is not favorable. If an activity is not healthy, affordable, or timely, then don’t give in to pleading. 

The bottom line:  your children want to trust the person who is in charge. This helps them to feel safe and learn. They are too young to lean on their own understanding!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3: 5

Children and Trust

This cute clip shows the wonder of young children and magical thinking. Where did that plastic centipede go?

One of the first cognitive tasks of a child is to learn to trust. The world is a crazy place and the brain wants to make sense of everything that is experienced. Infants begin to develop a trust relationship with caregivers very early on. Sometimes this is referred to as an attachment. A child with a secure attachment learns to trust that parents will respond to needs. 

A secure attachment extends to include the confidence that parents will give good explanations for what is experienced. This trust is essential to any kind of learning whether that be at home, in school, in church, or anywhere important to the child. A child without trust is a child who’s brain finds it difficult to learn.

Magical thinking is aided by this trust. Young children have a less developed sense of logical thinking. They tend to believe what they see because they cannot access the abstract thinking necessary to imagine something else – in this case the possibility that Dad has learned a clever trick. As this young one gets older she will begin to suspect there is another explanation and then the “magic” becomes a fun game.

Emotional trust muscles need to be exercised on a regular basis. Children need to know they can trust their parents to respond to their needs (ahem, put the phone down if your child is near). They need to know that you will continue to love them even when they do something wrong, or something bad happens. They need to trust in that relationship you are building with them.

Teaching your child to trust in Jesus is also important. Anxiety levels rise when we believe we are in control of our lives. Quickly we learn that we cannot rely on ourselves to make things turn out okay. Children who trust in God will move through life with more confidence that they have help and that someone wiser than themselves is in charge.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Children: Anxiety

While some children are more inclined to worry than others, almost all children experience anxiety at one time or another. 

Anxiety can be a good thing. It can make us pay closer attention to what is going on, it can help us to be better prepared, and the right amount of anxiety is necessary for best performance.

However, anxiety becomes a problem when it keeps a child from enjoying everyday things, or when it is hiding a problem that needs to be addressed.

When children indicate that they do not want to do something they are communicating what for them is a real concern. It is important to know what is behind the words of worry:

Is the child not ready for the activity? Some children want to watch before they try and others just need more time before launching into something new.

Does the child need some reassurance? If you feel your child is ready for the activity, then confidently assure him that things will be okay and that you (or the teacher, or other trusted adult) will be available to help. A child’s confidence about trying new things can be greatly improved when he or she successfully accomplish something that caused worry.

Is there something else going on? If a child suddenly is anxious about a previously enjoyed activity then a good conversation is in order. Your child might not realize that an incident with another child, some confusion with an adult, or a startling event, is the real cause for worry. Children cannot always process this information. On occasion their brains will simply cause them to fear the entire situation. 

Is your child defiantly refusing to obey? It is easy to assume that defiance is about disobedience rather than anxiety. We assume that anxiety will show itself in timid behaviors. Some children show their anxiety in defiance. It is good to explore this possibility, especially if the behavior is unusual for your child or if typical consequences aren’t working to change the behavior. 

Is your child tired? Being physically tired or mentally overstimulated will cause many children to become anxious. For them, it is the best way to give the message that they have had enough. 

Helping children to identify and cope with stress is a great way to build resilience. Children need ways to calm themselves, to know when and how to seek help, and to learn to use anxiety to their advantage. Such children will be good problem solvers and will face difficulty with confidence.

One of the reasons that faith development also promotes resilience is that  our faith reminds us that God is in control of our lives, our situation, and our anxiety. A gentle reminder of God’s promise of love and care is a beautiful way to share your faith with your children when helping them with anxiety.

It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8