Grieving the Semester That Wasn’t

If your children do not seem to “be themselves” lately, it is wise to consider they might be grieving.

You would think that because God gave us separate emotions to use on different occasions that the brain would be able to choose the right emotion for the job.

We might think that – but we would be wrong.

My theory may not be official, but I imagine the brain keeps emotion in a sack, and sometimes when it doesn’t know which emotion is correct, it picks a random one and applies it. This phenomenon is especially real for children who are beginners in the business of feelings. Grief may not always look like grief.

For parents, it is a good idea to frequently make a check on the emotional expressions of your children to see if there is a hidden emotion.  For instance, the school year has ended. While this means family members no longer have to fight for computer time, and parents no longer need to worry over lessons, it still does not feel like summer vacation.

This year did not have the usual routine that helps school-aged children to bring closure to the year. Your child may not have mentioned missed field trips, yearbook signings, or special events that typically replace the grief of change with good memories. And your child does not need to be graduating to feel grief over what was lost. The brain knows that some part of the end-of-year routine is missing, creating sadness and anxiety. The brain does not ignore grief, and it doesn't always understand what to do with it.

Grief is a reasonably unfamiliar emotion for many children. If they have not experienced the loss of a family member or a pet, they might not recognize grief over losing end-of-year activities. And while this kind of grief is not as intense as a family loss, it is there none-the-less.

Because your child may not recognize this loss, this may impact behavior in much the same way as anxiety. In other words, it may not look like grief.

Here are three things that you can do with your child if you suspect that grief is lurking behind unexpected or hard-to-change behavior.

Sit in grace. While the impulse may be to immediately correct the behavior, this is a perfect opportunity to spend some time in grace mode. Some small things ask for empathy and reframing.

“I wonder if you are feeling sad about missing the end of the school year? I think your teacher and your classmates feel the same way. What can you do to help yourself feel better?

Do you see what we did there? This response correctly identifies the feelings of grief and points the child in the right direction for regulating -- or dealing with -- those feelings.

Wait a bit. Some behaviors cannot you cannot ignore, but most can wait until after a cooling-off period. Allow your child some time to calm down and find his or her sadness. Talk with your child about grief before applying a consequence. Often, once children realize the emotion that caused the behavior, they no longer wish to repeat the behavior. If it is a persistent behavior, understanding the "why" behind it will help your child find a better way to express feelings.

Make connections: When children experience a new emotion, they lack an understanding of how to regulate it. Even if your child denies that he or she is sad about the end of the year, it doesn’t hurt to make that connection so they can gradually learn how to identify emotions and how to use them more effectively. Identify grief as the reason for the behavior. Say it aloud and allow your child to talk about it and about what can be done.

It is a healthy product of grief to do something to remember what was lost, such as communicate with a friend or write a letter to the teacher.  An effective way to explain this is to point out the difference between dealing with sadness and anger and doing things that make others sad or angry. 

We want our children to learn they can control their behavior in nearly any emotional state. Once they can do this, their emotions begin to help them understand what has happened instead of possibly working  against their better interests.

The LORD is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

God in His providence gave us emotions to help us learn, to help us make decisions, and to help us live and work with each other. Emotions also help us to comprehend new experiences, overwhelming experiences, and unwelcome ones. It is a gift to be able to help your children to understand and use emotions. It is a task with which God will gladly help. He cares about your emotions, too.

Calm down!

Oh, the dreaded meltdown. Don’t we love those screaming fits where a child has become so involved in crying he doesn't even realize what the problem is. These are the kinds of crying fits where even if you give in - the crying won't stop. The world is just too much and too unfair.

Why does this happen? Children are in the process of developing self-regulation. In this case self-regulation is the ability to get control of strong emotions. For young children they are learning to prevent an emotional nuclear meltdown.

Some emotional meltdowns are way out of proportion to the event. Once they take hold a child has great difficulty in calming down. The meltdown seems to take on a life of its own.

One trick to help a child calm down is to move the experience to a different part of the brain. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson explain this process with the terms “upstairs brain” and “downstairs brain.” The upstairs brain is the problem-solving part of the brain. The downstairs brain is the survival skills part of the brain that can get us caught in a fight or flight response. When children are tired, frustrated, or in the middle of any kind of growth spurt that temporarily turns their brains upside down, they can fall victim to getting stuck in their downstairs brain, resulting in a fit that won’t quit.

The more you try to comfort them, or ask them to explain, or threaten them, distract them, or even ignore them, the longer the fit will continue. In order to calm them down you have to move them to the upstairs brain. The upstairs brain is happiest when it is solving a problem. In fact, solving a problem can take precedence over an emotional reaction.

The solution is to find an intriguing task that is not too hard, but not too easy. Once the child is engaged in the task the brain shifts to problem solving and the fit is forgotten. When your child is calm you can discuss the previous episode and problem solve how to prevent it. 

Check out these ideas to help you design the right task for your child. This can work for older children, too. You just need to find the game that has the right amount of challenge and irresistibility. 

Parenting: Conflict

Nearly every parent has experienced relief at dropping children off at school because it meant a few sweet hours free of conflict. There are days, sometimes weeks, when siblings seem to be engaged in a competition to find the most inane topic for argument.

“He looked at me.”

“Her finger is touching my side of the car.”

“She won’t let me . . .”

“He says I can’t . . .”

“Tell her not to . . .”

Or, my personal favorite:

“He’s thinking about hitting me!”

These are just things I remember from my childhood, I haven’t even started on the phrases my children used that caused my neck muscles to tense and my temples to throb.

These selfish, sometimes ridiculous spats, are ample proof that children are sinners living in a sinful world. So what do we do about the fighting?

Make them play. 

Resist the temptation to separate the combatants. (Unless what they really need most is a nap.) Put away the electronic devices that keep each child quietly entertained. Send them outside, or to the playroom. Give them a board game, a ball, or a large cardboard box and make them play.

Let them play because when they play they learn how to deal with conflict. Play offers children a unique opportunity to observe, try solutions, and learn about their feelings in a relatively safe environment. Some days when I supervised school recess, I wondered if play wasn’t just a series of small spats interspersed with an occasional good idea.  I probably wasn’t too far off in my evaluation.

When children play they get a chance to acknowledge (and announce) their feelings. They get to make choices and see the good and bad consequences. They get to think about alternatives and learn to make plans. They get to learn how to identify the problem, regulate emotions, and learn what they can and cannot control. Fighting at home, or on the playground, teaches them better solutions for social interaction.

Play gives them practice in conflict resolution.

 

If you find you need to step into a sibling squabble ask your children to talk to each other and start with this phrase:

I don’t like it when you . . . 

Help them to identify feelings and possible solutions – then let them try the solutions.

 

As you can see from this verse, even St. Paul had to deal with tattling and conflict.

For it has been reported to me by Chloe's people that there is quarreling among you, my brothers. (I Corinthians 1:11, ESV)

God will bless you and your children in play, prayer, and patience.

And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. (II Timothy 2: 24-25a, ESV)

Here is a great article that talks more about the benefit of play and conflict resolution skills.