Children: Happiness

It hurts to see our children sad. Just as we comfort an infant in distress, we are inclined to try to solve situations that cause our older children frustration or anger. This action may give temporary relief but is it good in the long run?

An article, in the Jan/Feb 2015 issue of Scientific American Mind, points to two research studies that shed light on this question. The studies indicate that as we evaluate potential situations, negative scenarios are not usually as bad as we expect and sometimes the anticipated positive alternative results in disappointment.

The upshot is that being happy can lead us to expect too much. 

Children certainly do not need to be sad or angry all the time, but creating a world of happiness for them can result in children who are not happy enough. Additionally we can keep them from learning to identify other emotions.

Instead of trying to create a perfect world, we do better for our children when we teach them emotional competence. Children need to recognize different emotions and to learn the proper emotional expression. As they grow older, they will be able to choose the emotional response that makes the best sense. They will be able to find the emotion that works.

When we assure children that their Heavenly Father loves them, even when sad things happen we help them to gain the perspective that sad feelings do not last forever and that they can help us to enjoy happiness more.

Through him, we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:2-5, ESV

Parenting: What Parents Do

Father's Day is coming up so I thought this post to be especially fitting. 

At a Lutheran school in Michigan a father of one of the graduating 8th graders was asked to speak for the ceremonies. His wife advised him to speak as a parent.

Check out this best graduation speech ever. It is well worth your time.

I love how he uses stories about his children to illustrate three important things that parents do:

1. Watch

2. Pray

3. Cheer

And he explains all of this in the context of Christian education - at home, church and school.

Dads - the work you do through the power of the Spirit is life changing!

Parenting: Conversation

Conversation is a dying art. Families are busy and surrounded by media. Yet, children need family conversation to develop as human beings and as Christians. Here are the top five reasons for making a point to engage in conversation with your children:

1.      Build relationships: discuss those small events now, so there is a foundation for discussing big events in adolescence.

2.      Build language skills: children learn vocabulary and grammar in conversation. Words first heard around the dinner table will be easily decoded in reading and remembered for a test.

3.      Build social skills: taking turns in conversation, finding interest in another person’s story, hearing stories about parents as a child are all things that build social skills.

4.      Sharing faith: integrating the faith into a story or a question is a great way to share why faith is important to every aspect of our lives.

5.      Sharing morality: asking questions about tough situations promotes good moral development as children reason with adults who share their faith.

Don’t let conversation be a dying art. I recommend establishing a couple of media free zones. The dinner table is a perfect example. Use this time to share, build, and learn about each other.

I hope to come to you and talk face to face, so that our joy may be complete. (II John 12b, ESV)

Parenting: Rewards

When working with children, rewards can seem to be a miracle tool for increasing good behavior. Just find a valued reward, set it up as a promise, and then watch it work to turn your child into a happy sibling, a willing reader, a joyful chore worker. There does not seem to be a downside.

Except when research shows us otherwise. 

This study, completed in India, used rewards to encourage better school attendance. They found it backfired. When the study was complete, the students either reverted to old habits or showed even less interest in good attendance. This study is not the only one of its type to show these results.

The sad thing is, rewards may work in the short-term, but in the long-term they can do more harm than good. If you are encouraging highly valued behaviors in your children, it is better if you stay away from rewards.

If you want your child to be a reader -- read with him and talk about books he is reading.

If you want your child to enjoy athletics -- play the sport with her. Attend her games and give her encouragement.

If you want your child to get good grades -- show him how to organize his day to give priority to studying. Recognize the good grades when they happen, but focus on the effort put in to earn them. 

If you want your child to develop a habit of faith -- attend church with her on a regular basis. Read scripture together and pray together. 

In the long run, intrinsic motivation, motivation that comes from inside, is not easy, but it is the best. 

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. (Psalm 32:8, ESV)

 

 

Children: Play Outside!

Children need to play outside. It is a simple statement and one that is easy to dismiss. Read this article, written by an occupational therapist, to get a better understanding of why this kind of play is so important.

Children need to run, skip, and roll. They need to keep themselves upright on a merry-go-round, slide down a slide, and balance on a see-saw. They need to ride bikes, and play basketball, and go swimming, and climb trees.  All of these activities strengthen parts of the brain that help children to self-regulate their bodies. Playing outside is good for more than burning up energy!

Summer break is starting, soon. Begin making plans, now, for getting your children to play -- outside. It will improve their learning as well as their physical health. 

Parenting: Reclaiming Family Time

Do you need to reclaim family meal time? Check out this clip.

I love technology. I love the things it can do, the way it makes our life easier and more interesting. I love the way it can be used for teaching and learning.

But, I don't love technology when it takes over important family time. 

We don't need to get rid of technology, but it is worthwhile to tame it back so that our children and teens can develop the skills necessary to be happy, productive members of our world. 

Here are three times of the day when you can set technology aside to allow for cognitive, social and faith skill development:

1. First thing in the morning. Technology use should come after other important things are done. Do not let it keep your children from being ready for the day. After they are dressed, school supplies gathered, and have spent some quiet time reading a book or devotion, then the technology can make its first appearance of the day.

2. Mealtime.  At least one meal of the day should be family time without technology (that includes television). Mealtimes are important opportunities to share stories, to learn problem-solving skills, to learn social skills and to share faith. These skills cannot develop if they are interrupted by games, commercials, calls, texts, or Instagram messages.

3. Bedtime. Technology use right before sleep can make it difficult to fall asleep. When the phone, tablet, or television is turned off, the brain can begin to process the events of the day. Bedtime also offers a unique time to check in with your children or teenager. A quiet bedtime conversation can often reveal what weighs heavily on the mind. Even fifteen minutes to talk and pray with your child will give a strong message that you are available.

Allow yourself some time to rest from technology. Especially if that time is spent with family and in faith sharing.

And he said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” (Mark 6: 31, ESV)

Resource: Faith Development

Click on the picture to download.

I really like this resource posted by Concordia Publishing House  on their Facebook page as a free download. Each day of the month includes a quick activity, question, or faith topic for discussion. This calendar is an excellent way to spend time each day talking about faith. Keep it on the dining room table and start dinner with a faith discussion. Stick it in the visor of your car and talk about faith on your way to school. Or, tuck it under your child's pillow to end the day with thoughts of God's love. These little conversations will integrate faith into each day in a beautiful way that teaches, encourages, and guides your child to turn to scripture.